I've done it now. I've taken that first step into the unknown. I've put
a personal advert on Craiglist. I feel as though I'm copping out and I
should try a little more. If I put more effort in it will work. I know
it will, I've read every relationship website I can find and quite a few
of the books they peddle. They all say that putting the hours in brings
it's rewards.
I know that if I change he has to change as well. And for a while I
thought it was going to work. We have been living back together now for
about a year. To start off it was very rocky, there was no trust, but
gradually it got better and then it was great. I remember commenting to
a friend that if someone told me my relationship could be so good a few
months before I would not have believed them. I know it was good because
we were having sex. It was still only in bed, and only in the mornings,
but it was a lot of mornings. Having sex makes everyone feel better, I
read sex is like a barometer for the relationship. I think I also read
that it has a cyclical effect, so if things aren't going too well, but
you force yourself into having sex, those feel good emotions get
activated and things improve out of the bedroom as well.
Then it got bad, and it happened quickly. He went away on holiday. I was
pleased he did, it was somewhere he wanted to go and I didn't. He had a
great time, and I enjoyed being home. When he got back he was awful;
distant, moody and surly. Thinking back now I wonder if maybe he met
someone there, a one night stand or something and felt guilty when he
returned.
We have had (sort of) sex recently. As he never comes anywhere near me
outside of bed (and only in bed when he's horny), I find it difficult to
get in the mood in the time we have. Given my analogy above though that
having sex improves everything, I try to put mind over matter and get
into the swing of things. A couple of weeks ago he turns to me in the
morning, below is a diagram of the foreplay.
The red indicates his hand movements. That was it, there was nothing
else, no talking, no kissing, just his hand on some of my erogenous
zones. I couldn't get turned on enough to enjoy penetration. If it did
improve anything outside of bed, I wasn't aware of it.
We don't often argue, we rarely have cross words, but through this week
there was an altercation. He really blew up at me, which is very unusual
for him, and I usually let this sort of thing go, and just calm the
waters, but he shouted at me, and called me useless etc, and I got
really pissed off. So we didn't speak for a couple of days. He tried to
talk to me the next morning, but for once I stuck to my guns and was
having none of it. I was waiting for an apology. I don't know how long
we would not have conversed before I got an apology, long enough for us
both to have forgotten what the argument was about I suspect. I hate the
discomfort and atmosphere so gave in, and we are back to 'normal'. This
morning he was still asleep when i got in the shower ( I fond I want to
get out of bed early these days). He was awake when I went back into the
bedroom, "how about a fondle before you get dressed" he says. I reply
"tempting, I'm having to hold myself back from that delicious offer,"
and left him to his right hand.
Categories: Relationship, Sex