A controlling woman
I've been in this relationship, with the man I love for almost 20 years. Watching an episode of Desperate Housewives last week I heard Orson comment to Bree something along the lines of " you know Katherine, she'll be so passive aggressive about it we won't even know".
I must have heard the term before. I've read masses of self help articles, it's difficult to believe I got to 42 without knowing what passive aggression is, but for some reason a light bulb lit in my head and I started to research Passive Aggressive, OMG a lot of people have written a lot of stuff about it. A lot of it is very gloomy, these articles tell me there is no hope for my relationship the very nature of passive aggressive means that those who are PA can never admit to it, and find it difficult to get any help to overcome it.
Most of the articles focus on how we can change ourselves, how we must start taking care of number 1, and put our needs first. Over the years I have often wondered to myself why my partners needs were more important than mine, of course they never were, but I allowed them to take over, i allowed his needs to be taken care of and mine to be hidden away. Now that I aware of this I am going to try to stop it. This I am finding proves very hard, after 20 years of being manipulated by someone who is passive aggressive, I don't even know my own thoughts any more, and now have to make myself think, do I want this, or do I want it for him.
Saturday morning was the first confrontation we've had. I always back down, not wanting to provoke his sullenness but not this time. I got up after he did and when I came down he'd cooked himself some breakfast. This would normally go without comment, but not any longer.
Me " I would have liked you to have asked me if I would like breakfast"
Him "you hardly ever have anything."
Me "I know, but for the last few weekends I have made us both a cooked breakfast, when you were up first and making something, I think you should have asked what I'd like".
Him " oh this is great, do you just try to make things as difficult as possible, that's the weekend ruined now."
Me, "do not pass this back to me, the weekend does not have to be ruined. I think you should have asked me if I would like breakfast, if you are going to give me the silent treatment because I called you out on something you should have done, then it is you who is ruining the weekend."
Him " I'm not going to give you the silent treatment."
We had an OK weekend, there were a couple of times I thought he wanted to say something but he didn't. I'm not sure if that's a success in dealing with passive aggression, but it felt like it to me. Normally if I have something on my mind, my stomach is churning for hours and only when it is something of huge importance will I risk upsetting the apple cart by bringing it up with him. There weren't any fireworks, and if there had been I would have left him to it.
The great thing for me is knowing that it isn't about me. It isn't that I am too fat, not sexy enough, don't wear enough make up or have the wrong colour hair, it's all about him and his own insecurities.
Categories: Relationship