Ups and Downs, or ins and outs
I can just never tell how things are going to be, and that's the unsettling path of life with a passive aggressive. They keep you on the edge of your seat, wrong footed and confused.
I liked having the house to myself, and was not looking forward to his return. Mostly because the last time he was away he was really odd when he came back. This time though he was wonderful, although he did not kiss me on his return, and we were a little abrasive during the evening, (he got back at 8.30pm) he was affectionate, stroking, touching and cuddling when we went to bed, which is extremely unusual for him.
I intend to make the most of it, as this is all I've ever wanted, physical affection and attention. He kissed me when I got back in from work yesterday. I can't begin to say how pleasant it is, but at the same time, after 20 years I'm unable to completely trust it, and walking on eggshells, waiting for the rug to be pulled from underneath me.
In my previous post I said how I'd enjoyed not making the bed, but he was coming back and I started to feel anxious about what hadn't been done, so on the Friday I cleaned all the bathrooms, our bedroom, vacuumed upstairs and down, and sorted out the laundry cupboard (something I'd been wanting to do for a while). I was going to leave the tablecloth, but knew if I missed something it would be the one thing he'd comment on, so I changed it, and the house looked and smelled good when he got back. After general greetings and " how was your journey" etc, he had gone to put something in the bin, "does no one else know how to empty this bin then?" He was away for 5 days, he knew damned well the bin must have been emptied while he was away, but because it was almost full he had to comment on it, not how nice the house was looking, how he liked those sheets on the bed or any other positive thing.
This morning, when I came down, he said, "you must be really glad I'm back".
This because 
- he comes downstairs first - if I go into the bathroom first he knocks on the door, asks me to hurry up, tells me he's going to be late, etc. So I wait and let him get up first so there isn't aggro in the mornings
- he makes my coffee - our kitchen is small and if I need anything I get in his way and he makes sure I know it
- he makes lunch for him and my daughter - I used to make the lunches and I liked to do it, when I made theirs I also made mine which meant I was much better organsised at lunchtime, but he wouldn't let me get on with it, he'd hang around, suggesting I cut the tomatoes a different way or placed them in the box differently.
A perfect example of how in a relationship with a passive aggressive you are always in a no-win situation. If I get up first I hog the bathroom, if I get up last I'm lazy. When I make him lunch it's not right, when I don't it's because I don't care about him.
There was more obvious passive aggression last night. I have a very hard day on a Monday and I'm always tired Monday evening. When we were planning the meals I said I'd make something easy for Monday night, but he had wanted to have turkey and orange salad, it's something he makes and it's very good, I was pleased as it meant I wouldn't have to cook at all on the Monday evening. When I got in, I made a cup of tea and went to catch up with some TV, a few minutes later he came in and set up the ironing board. I used to do all the ironing, I never minded it really and would do it in front of the TV. I can't even remember how he took it on, (since he has started doing it, he says the shirts are ironed much better than when I did them). What a racket he made, I've noticed this is how he expresses anger, I hate jangly, clattering noises and if he's angry there are lots of those.
I'm supposed to know (ESP) what he's angry about, I have to guess it's because
- he thought I should have done his ironing when he was away.
- he thought I should have done his ironing last night.
- he thought he shouldn't have to iron his clothes and make the dinner.
He was OK ish when we went to bed. If I thought it would make him happy, I'd iron, make dinner, empty the bins and anything else, but I've been there/done that and there's always something that I haven't done....
Categories: Relationship, Sex