Living with a Passive Aggressive Man

How can you tell if a drowning woman is codependent?

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 10:01:24 +0000

I am slowly coming around to the realisation that in fact this problem is mine as much as my OH's. I always felt responsible and tried to change things about my behavior to affect change in him. But now I'm realising that the person I need to change is me.

Because I am confident outgoing person, I thought I was OK/together/with it. The reading I've done has really opened my eyes to the gaping hole inside of me where my self esteem should be. I can understand with hindsight why it might be there but trying to plug it up is a different matter altogether. The reading has helped especially the beautiful book Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything I have seen a counselor for a few weeks, I would have thought after this length of time that i would feel some benefit from that and maybe I am, but it;s not something I can substantiate but i;m going to see it through. I've been attending a group from the victims of domestic abuse. I still feel a bit out of place there as it is difficult to see my OH as abusive although he has certainly done abusive things, (and so have I), reading this through I am obviously still of a mindset to excuse, rationalise and justify that abuse of me. I'd like to get past that. The womens group is great and very supportive, and yesterday I went to my fist al anon meeting, not because I live with an alcoholic my OH barely drinks, but many years ago I lived with someone who was, and my type of personality or behaviour I think is best described by the term codependence. I have carried on the traits of over compensating for others.

I'm still reading...lots, books to help me are my Christmas presents to myself, and much though I'd have liked to have a quick fix, I appreciate I'm in for the long haul.

..oh, the answer to the above, some else's life passes before her eyes.

Abusive, emotionally unavailable men.

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 07:53:20 +0000

Things have moved on apace, I've been seeing a counselor and joined a group for emotionally abused women. Even though I still find it difficult to think of my OH as an 'abuser'.

I moved out of our bedroom about 2 weeks ago, that has been a great relief, the last time we had sex it was definitely not consensual and I feel much safer one step removed.

He'd not asked at any time why I've moved out or even mentioned it. That was until yesterday when i thought things needed clarifying after a couple of odd comments.

Surprisingly (or not) enough as soon as we'd had the talk, he turned into

Mr loving you so much it hurts,
how can you throw away 20 years
its really not going to be pleasant for the kids
how can you think I'm not committed, I've been here all the time
if you came to bed with me you'd see things are OK

This is where it gets hard for me, as all I want is for it to work, but this time I have to remember all the times we've danced these steps and still end up at the same place. We should be able to have a mutually satisfying relationship without it teetering on the edge.

So I'm working on my self esteem and setting good boundaries, but I can feel myself slipping ever so slightly when he tells me he's having trouble sleeping and I can see he wants my company, it's much easier to give in and give him what he wants than it is to stand my ground for what I want.

everything is my fault....

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:31:34 +0100

The alarm clock goes off, he reaches for me and I feel his almost hard on pressing into my leg.

I groan, and it's obviously not with pleaseure.

He turns away from me "what's up with you, you're never interested?"

Me, "I'd be interested any time, but I've already said, I'm not only going to have sex in the mornings".

Him, "so if I don't fuck you at night, I can't fuck you in the mornings!"

Me, "there are another 23 hours in the day, and I'd like it to be a little more spontaneous, or even just at some other time"

Him, "we're not going to get close if we don't have sex, but you're not bothered about that are you?"

I get up and leave him to it.

Ups and Downs, or ins and outs

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:05:37 +0000

I can just never tell how things are going to be, and that's the unsettling path of life with a passive aggressive. They keep you on the edge of your seat, wrong footed and confused.

I liked having the house to myself, and was not looking forward to his return. Mostly because the last time he was away he was really odd when he came back. This time though he was wonderful, although he did not kiss me on his return, and we were a little abrasive during the evening, (he got back at 8.30pm) he was affectionate, stroking, touching and cuddling when we went to bed, which is extremely unusual for him.

I intend to make the most of it, as this is all I've ever wanted, physical affection and attention. He kissed me when I got back in from work yesterday. I can't begin to say how pleasant it is, but at the same time, after 20 years I'm unable to completely trust it, and walking on eggshells, waiting for the rug to be pulled from underneath me.

In my previous post I said how I'd enjoyed not making the bed, but he was coming back and I started to feel anxious about what hadn't been done, so on the Friday I cleaned all the bathrooms, our bedroom, vacuumed upstairs and down, and sorted out the laundry cupboard (something I'd been wanting to do for a while). I was going to leave the tablecloth, but knew if I missed something it would be the one thing he'd comment on, so I changed it, and the house looked and smelled good when he got back. After general greetings and " how was your journey" etc, he had gone to put something in the bin, "does no one else know how to empty this bin then?" He was away for 5 days, he knew damned well the bin must have been emptied while he was away, but because it was almost full he had to comment on it, not how nice the house was looking, how he liked those sheets on the bed or any other positive thing.

This morning, when I came down, he said, "you must be really glad I'm back".

This because

he comes downstairs first - if I go into the bathroom first he knocks on the door, asks me to hurry up, tells me he's going to be late, etc. So I wait and let him get up first so there isn't aggro in the mornings
he makes my coffee - our kitchen is small and if I need anything I get in his way and he makes sure I know it
he makes lunch for him and my daughter - I used to make the lunches and I liked to do it, when I made theirs I also made mine which meant I was much better organsised at lunchtime, but he wouldn't let me get on with it, he'd hang around, suggesting I cut the tomatoes a different way or placed them in the box differently.

A perfect example of how in a relationship with a passive aggressive you are always in a no-win situation. If I get up first I hog the bathroom, if I get up last I'm lazy. When I make him lunch it's not right, when I don't it's because I don't care about him.

There was more obvious passive aggression last night. I have a very hard day on a Monday and I'm always tired Monday evening. When we were planning the meals I said I'd make something easy for Monday night, but he had wanted to have turkey and orange salad, it's something he makes and it's very good, I was pleased as it meant I wouldn't have to cook at all on the Monday evening. When I got in, I made a cup of tea and went to catch up with some TV, a few minutes later he came in and set up the ironing board. I used to do all the ironing, I never minded it really and would do it in front of the TV. I can't even remember how he took it on, (since he has started doing it, he says the shirts are ironed much better than when I did them). What a racket he made, I've noticed this is how he expresses anger, I hate jangly, clattering noises and if he's angry there are lots of those.

I'm supposed to know (ESP) what he's angry about, I have to guess it's because

he thought I should have done his ironing when he was away.
he thought I should have done his ironing last night.
he thought he shouldn't have to iron his clothes and make the dinner.

He was OK ish when we went to bed. If I thought it would make him happy, I'd iron, make dinner, empty the bins and anything else, but I've been there/done that and there's always something that I haven't done....

Peace and Quiet

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:56:04 +0000

It's so lovely at home. My other half is away for a week (well 5 days) on a training course. I feel the spring breeze blowing through the house. It is so calm, pleasant and stress free it's like a cloud has been lifted.

He always thinks I don't like it when he has to be away from home and 10 years or more ago maybe that was the case, but this time I was so pleased when I heard the news I could barely contain myself, as his course is very close to family he is staying with his sister and the look on his face when I suggested he stay the weekend as well as he hasn't seen them all in years.

He called me last night, which is pretty unusual, and something I used to complain about. He'd go away, not call to say he'd arrived, or make any contact the whole time he was gone. He asked how it was going, I was straight up with him, said how chilled it was, how nice it was to be able to leave my shoes were I liked and the bed unmade if I felt like it. He wasn't happy about that and reminded me that when we were apart I always kept my house tidy, and mostly I did, but the thing was it was up to me, no-one was going to start banging things around if I didn't put my shoes in the cupboard.

He has this opinion that without him around, our daughter won't get to school on time, we'll eat take-outs all week, and that the plants won'tt be watered, that in fact without him around the place descends into a complete shambles. Although he does not say this in so many words he makes it crystal clear that he thinks I'm a wreck when he's away.

In my opinion nothing could be further from the truth, when there is only me to rely on then getting everything done is so much easier. Last night I made Covent Gardens parsnip and Parmesan soup. It came out really well, and there is plenty left over for a couple of lunches. I got the lunch ready for today as we have an early start and ironed for the rest of the week.

Being here on my own and relaxed and happy really makes me realise what an idiot I was to move back in!

just when you thought it was safe to go into the kitchen

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:44:56 +0000

...my fuckwit husband has to go and get all up his own arse.

Everything has been going OK. Well as OK as it has been over the last few years. I went to visit my mum, (I go about once a week and stay one to two hours). When I got back he had gone out with our 12 year old to pick blackberries. I love very little more than free food, so was very happy about this. I'd been a to work all week so took the opportuity to clean the bathroom, our bedroom and put some laundry through. Just about then, they came back. Dave started straight away to make apple and blackberry crumble, we got the apples free as well :). He asked if I would make some jam with the rest of it. So I got on with that (I just have to put the ingredients in, the breadmaker actually makes the jam).

It was getting late and dinner wasn't started, the sink was full of dirty dishes, and the dishwasher full of clean. I opened the dishwasher to empty it and this was the first sign that I was DOING SOMETHING WRONG... he banged the door shut, and thinking it was best to get out of the way until he was finished I went and sat with my son. Dave finishes what he is doing and clears the dishes out of the sink, then comes to find me, and says,

"aren't you going to bother with dinner tonight then".

I reply in my sweetest voice, "of course honey, I was just waiting for you to finish in the kitchen"

"thats right, somehow it's my fault that dinner isn't ready."

Now I start to get a little pissed, but head into the kitchen and get some further abuse, normally, in my good little wifey way, I'd apologise at this point try to calm the waters and make the dinner.

But, when he followed up his tirade with, "what sort of a mother are you?"

I have to admit, I let rip, "fuck it," says I, "I don't have to listen to this shit, I'm going to the fish shop".

I'm ashamed to admit that the kids heard this, and I know they hate to hear us arguing. We don't have cross words very often, but it still upsets them.

In my womanly way I go around and around this conversation and I can not for the life of me figure out where it came from. When I got back he was sat in the sitting room with a family size packet of crisps, me and the kids ate our fish and chips which were lovely.

Kissing

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 11:36:46 +0000

It feels extremely indulgent to blog, especially as there is so much else I should be doing. Housework, etc. I just got back for a 10 day trip on my own. I loved having the time to enjoy myself and relax without having to second guess what he wants all the time. I had a really great week, and thinking of going away again in July. I've not mentioned that yet though, as there will definitely be fireworks, and more life draining sulks.

I was just reading about kissing, I was going to moan that he doesn't like to kiss, but now I think maybe it's a guy thing, after seeing Ed Byrne do a stand up routine around the question, "what's with all the kissing?"

I love to kiss, but can't even remember the last time that happened beyond a peck. A long time ago thee was a brief encounter with another woman, and oh wow, the kissing was amazing.

A controlling woman

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:29:36 +0000

I've been in this relationship, with the man I love for almost 20 years. Watching an episode of Desperate Housewives last week I heard Orson comment to Bree something along the lines of " you know Katherine, she'll be so passive aggressive about it we won't even know".

I must have heard the term before. I've read masses of self help articles, it's difficult to believe I got to 42 without knowing what passive aggression is, but for some reason a light bulb lit in my head and I started to research Passive Aggressive, OMG a lot of people have written a lot of stuff about it. A lot of it is very gloomy, these articles tell me there is no hope for my relationship the very nature of passive aggressive means that those who are PA can never admit to it, and find it difficult to get any help to overcome it.

Most of the articles focus on how we can change ourselves, how we must start taking care of number 1, and put our needs first. Over the years I have often wondered to myself why my partners needs were more important than mine, of course they never were, but I allowed them to take over, i allowed his needs to be taken care of and mine to be hidden away. Now that I aware of this I am going to try to stop it. This I am finding proves very hard, after 20 years of being manipulated by someone who is passive aggressive, I don't even know my own thoughts any more, and now have to make myself think, do I want this, or do I want it for him.

Saturday morning was the first confrontation we've had. I always back down, not wanting to provoke his sullenness but not this time. I got up after he did and when I came down he'd cooked himself some breakfast. This would normally go without comment, but not any longer.

Me " I would have liked you to have asked me if I would like breakfast"

Him "you hardly ever have anything."

Me "I know, but for the last few weekends I have made us both a cooked breakfast, when you were up first and making something, I think you should have asked what I'd like".

Him " oh this is great, do you just try to make things as difficult as possible, that's the weekend ruined now."

Me, "do not pass this back to me, the weekend does not have to be ruined. I think you should have asked me if I would like breakfast, if you are going to give me the silent treatment because I called you out on something you should have done, then it is you who is ruining the weekend."

Him " I'm not going to give you the silent treatment."

We had an OK weekend, there were a couple of times I thought he wanted to say something but he didn't. I'm not sure if that's a success in dealing with passive aggression, but it felt like it to me. Normally if I have something on my mind, my stomach is churning for hours and only when it is something of huge importance will I risk upsetting the apple cart by bringing it up with him. There weren't any fireworks, and if there had been I would have left him to it.

The great thing for me is knowing that it isn't about me. It isn't that I am too fat, not sexy enough, don't wear enough make up or have the wrong colour hair, it's all about him and his own insecurities.

Domestic Duties

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:19:48 +0100

Maybe the best way to get my hubby aroused is to do housework. It used to be if I was cooking when he came in, I could see a flicker of interest, but now I cook so often he's become blase about it. Should I be vacuuming when he gets in, or even better washing the floor he can barely contain himself, of course he always manages to hold himself in check.

What is it about my man that he can wank to the filthiest porn, but to have sex with me missionary position is about the limit. He used to enjoy dirtier sex, but now says he just likes to come, he's not really bothered how he gets there, just as quickly as possible.

I rarely instigate sex anymore as I almost always get knocked back, but last night, I thought he might be up for some, and although he was soft, I went down on him, he came quickly and then straight to sleep. I sometimes get pissed off that he does not reciprocate, but last night was OK, I enjoyed doing it, and even more that I had instigated it and that it was not our 'usual' time. (mornings).

I really fancy a drink, I rarely have anything because as my inhibitions loosen I become a sexual predator and feel like ripping his clothes off to get started. He hates that I become so desperate, hence I rarely drink. There not much in to have either, there are some spirits, but no mixers, and a bottle of champagne, which I may well chill and open.

My Perfect Husband

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 18:16:53 +0100

I have to constantly remind myself that my husband is already perfect. He doesn't need fixing by me. Just because he does not want sex as much as I do, or as dirty as I do, there is nothing worng with him.

What I do wonder then, is there something wrong with our relationship. Has it always been the wrong relationship. I remember it and him being more passionate, but truthfully I have to remember that even in our early days of lust he was always more reserved than me.

Because my mum was divorced, I grew up seeing the benefits of single life. There are no compromises to make, you watch what you want on the TV, eat what you want and sleep when you want. In these enlightened times of casual internet sex, I expect it would be easy to get laid when you want too. I used to dream of this hedonistic existenence, with no one to answer to, and just a good time to be had. When we did live apart it was nice to watch what I wanted, it was even better to eat what and when I wanted, but it was lonely. Bone chillingly lonely. No-one to comment on the day or the news with and missed him dreadfully.

I have to remind myself of this frequently when I see a nice single place up for rent, and I dream of my idylic single girl life style.